From Guilt to Grace: A Mother's Journey to Hope and Healing - Dawn Ward

In this powerful episode, I sit down with Dawn Ward, founder of the Faith to Flourish Ministry and author of From guilt to Grace: Hope and Healing for Christian Moms of Addicted Children. Dawn shares her heartfelt testimony of navigating the pain, guilt, and shame of having children struggling with addiction.

Through her journey, she found hope in God's Word and healing through His grace. As she learned to release the burden of guilt and trust God with her sons, she experienced transformation and a renewed sense of purpose.

Join us as we discuss hoe faith can turn our deepest struggles into testimonies of victory. Dawn also shares how her ministry is helping other moms find freedom, peace, and strength to trust God with their children's future.

Links to connect with Dawn Ward:

Website

Facebook

Instagram 

YouTube

Linkedin 

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Transcript

Israel Caminero: 0:04

Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. I'm grateful for your support and for being part of this community. If you've been enjoying the podcast so far, I'd love it if you could take a minute to leave a review. Your feedback helps me reach more people and share these inspiring stories with others. Let's spread the word. Please share this podcast with your friends and family. And if you haven't already, be sure to like and subscribe for new episodes. To stay connected and up to date on all the latest news, updates, and exclusive content, head over to my Facebook page, Living Testimonies. While you're there, be sure to subscribe to my newsletter. The link is on the page. Thanks again for listening, and I'll catch you in the next episode. Welcome to Living Testimony: Stories of Faith and Redemption. I'm your host, Israel Caminero. I hope everyone that's listening is blessed and doing well. With me today, I have my sister in Christ. Her name is Dawn Ward, and she's here to share her testimony. Could you introduce yourself to everyone, Dawn?

Dawn Ward: 1:26

Thank you for having me, Israel. My name is Dawn Ward, and I am the founder of a ministry called The Faith to Flourish, and we minister to women whose loved ones are struggling with addiction, as well as just encouraging women in their walk with the Lord and in helping them to grow in their understanding of the Word of God.

Israel Caminero: 1:45

Amen. And we're going to hear more about that in the podcast. But right now she's here to share her testimony, and I can't wait to hear this one. But before we get started, I'd like to pray over us. And I'd like to say, Heavenly Father, thank you for this time together and for this testimony you've given Don. We ask for your presence to fill this conversation and for your words to flow through us. Lord, bring hope and healing to every listener, especially those carrying guilt, shame, or fear. Remind them that your grace is greater and that no situation is beyond your redemption. Holy Spirit, anoint this discussion so that it encourages, uplifts, and points hearts back to you. May this conversation be a vessel of healing and hope and glorify in Jesus' name, Amen.

Dawn Ward: 2:33

Amen.

Israel Caminero: 2:34

So, Dawn, I heard a little bit about your story as you shared with me before, but I want to hear all of it, and that's what you're here for, and the listeners, I'm sure, want to hear it too. So the platform's all yours. If you could just share your story with everyone, that would be great.

Dawn Ward: 2:52

Well, I'm honored to share my story. And if you would have asked me even 10 years ago, or maybe even seven or eight years ago, if I would be on a podcast sitting here talking with you about my story. And the story that takes me back to my childhood, I probably would have been in shock, not even been able to fathom it or imagine it. And that's just so like God, isn't it? Just to have him working in our lives in such a way as that he knows that our story matters and that it can make a difference. And so that's why I'm here today is because I believe that God has hope in every story, and he has hope in my story, and I'm happy to share it. So for me, it's yeah, it started off when I was a little girl. And the reason why I go back that far is because that's where my faith started in the Lord. And it's so pertinent to where I'm at today, the relationship that I had with him as a child. When I was growing up, my I would not say that I was growing, I grew up in a Christian home. My mother did take us to church, the Lutheran church, on the holidays, and for occasional things that went on with family members and all of that. But for the most part, we just did not routinely go to church and didn't really hear my mom talk about the Lord at all or talk about her relationship with God. My dad just never went to church. He, unless it was a wedding or a funeral, you just did not see him at church. So I was not raised in a home where the Lord was discussed, or that we as a family prayed together or even talked about things of faith. And but I was raised in a very volatile home. And I do remember from the as long far back as I can remember that my dad would drink too much. Now, he was a hard-working man, he was a fireman, he served in the military, he grew up on a farm. He's just a really strong man, but he tended to just drink too much. And uh, if if I were to say it was a definition of an alcoholic, I would, except that he held down his job, took care of his family and all of that. So it was very confusing for me to see him kind of drink to that level when he wasn't working. But then when he needed to work or he needed to step up and do what he needed to do, he was able to do it. He was able to not drink. And so as a fireman, when they would work these 24-hour shifts, he didn't drink at all. But when he was off for extended periods, which happened once or twice a month, if they were off for several days, he drank the whole time. So for me, I always associated when dad was home with that he was going to be drinking, which was beer, but it was a lot of beer. And when he drank, he became very argumentative and very critical. And he was a big man, very loud and and negative. And that was scary for me. He didn't beat me or anything like that, but it was just very scary. It had that um, it had that, I I had that response to what he did was just fear. And so when I I one thing I even noticed from, like I said, as far back as I can remember, is that his brothers also drank, they two of them were on the fire department, but they were happy. Every time I saw them, they were laughing and joking and all this. So I couldn't understand, like my little mind could not understand why my daddy got mad, and their daddies were funny. And that was really kind of my exposure and and kind of what caused me to be so confused as a child was I was not around any other angry drunks except my dad. And but yet my dad, when he wasn't, was so loving and kind. And we would, and even as kids, we would say Jekyll and Hyde when we learned like that story about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde or whatever it was called, right? Was our dad just kind of flipped and was just so miserable. And so when I was four years old, I was probably between the age of four and five, and I had gone to church, and when I go to church, I just feel so much peace. I loved singing the music and all of this. But I remember one time being very scared. My dad and mom were arguing, and I was kind of hiding behind a chair. And at that point, it was a very small house. My sister was just a couple years younger than me. She was probably in her crib or whatever, but I I could see them arguing and I couldn't go anywhere. I just had, I was in the living room. And so I felt like the Lord, I I know the Lord, actually reached his hand down and took mine. And he said to me, Hold on to my hand and never let go, because you're going to need it for this life. And at that young age, something flipped in me, and I knew that uh God, because I'd never heard Jesus or born again or anything, but that God had his hand on me and I was never supposed to let go. And I didn't. It doesn't mean I didn't have my own personal experience and journey and everything. I like to tell people I discipled myself because there wasn't anybody teaching me who this Jesus was or who this God was that loved me. When I occasionally went to Sunday school or occasionally went to church, and as I nagged my mom and asked her to take me, she would often just drive me and drop me off and pick me up afterwards, because it was just around the corner of the little Lutheran church. And I just grew, you know, I just felt so much peace in his presence. Looking back now, I realized that I was saved, even though I didn't know that terminology. And I didn't know born again, but I know that as a little girl, I became born again that day because I changed on the inside and I had this incredible hope and peace when my eyes were focused on God. And so what happened was I'd say it was probably when I was about 11 or 12 that I was finally exposed in a church setting and a uh youth rally type thing to what it means to be born again and to ask Jesus into your heart. And at that point is when I actually uh prayed to receive Jesus as my Lord. And I wanted to be baptized, but my mother was so adamant because I'd been baptized as a child. Like it was such an offense to her that she held so much on to that she'd had me baptized as a baby that I didn't get baptized as a teenager. But um, when I got married, my husband and I both got baptized at at church. And so as a young adult, I I got baptized because it just stayed on my heart that it was something I needed to do as a proclamation of my faith after I'd received Jesus as my Lord and Savior. And so when I say, yeah, so when I say that I discipled myself, it really was that period, you know, in there where I was just figuring it out and reading what books I could and listening to what Christian music and just figuring out what was there and asking people when I would uh go to youth events and things that weren't at my Lutheran church. Um and then eventually when I could drive, starting to go to other uh churches in my in my valley where I met people in Las Vegas Valley that were on fire, that just seemed to be on fire for the Lord and were so excited about him. And and the music really excited me and all that too, because you know, it was like that was when new Christian music was coming on the scene and during the Jesus movement and all of that, and and it was like, wow, this is really what I've been missing. And so my heart just really yearned for that personal, intimate relationship with Jesus, and and he was with me, and he's the one who taught me and carried me. And so when I was in high school, my parents eventually did divorce, and uh, you know, I really can look back and know that just decisions my dad made and and the things that he did due to his drinking had a lot to do with that. And my father eventually remarried, and so did my mom, and I ended up meeting my husband and getting married very young. I I ended up getting married at the age of 18.

Israel Caminero: 10:33

Oh wow.

Dawn Ward: 10:33

And yeah, and but when I met him, he was a next door neighbor. When I met him, he was agnostic, and I think I was probably about 16 and a half or so, and I just looked at him as a friend, and I would witness to him and share the Lord with him and everything. And and it I didn't leave him to the Lord, but eventually he went to his grandfather's funeral, and the minister there led him to the Lord. And so we were both Christians when we got married, and so what happened was I made it a goal. Like we didn't have children until we'd been married about seven years. I did know I married early, but I wasn't gonna have kids too early, uh, because we had jobs and we were, you know, working to get our house and do those kind of things too, and we just knew it wasn't the right time. But I had determined that I was gonna do whatever it took to make sure that my children did not involve themselves with alcohol because I had just seen that nobody needed to be that drunk. You know, nobody needed to be even as drunk as my uncles were when they were happy and kidding around and stuff. They were slurring and falling all over the place. And like I said, all hardworking, good people that love very much and loved us, but I just didn't see the attraction. And I just didn't see, and to me, it had destroyed my hall my family. And so I was gonna do whatever it took to make sure that didn't happen to my kids.

Israel Caminero: 11:48

That's good.

Dawn Ward: 11:49

Yeah, so there was a good side to it. There was a really good side to it, but there was another side to it in that I had grown up the first, you know, the adult child of the alcoholic in the sense I was the oldest. I always felt like my parents put responsibility on us. My my mother would say, you kids don't fight, make sure the house is clean, you know, you don't want your dad to come home and want to go out and get drunk, that kind of a thing. And then my dad was like, you kids drive us to drink or drive me to drink. And it was those kind of comments all the time. And so it had to do with if performance in school was okay, if the house was clean enough, all these different things caused them stress. And as a result, my dad would drink. And so by the time I was raising kids of my own, it was like I didn't want to put that kind of pressure on them, but inside my mind, in my mind, I needed to do everything perfectly in order to make sure this happened, and you know, that they would do well, and because it was on me, it was my responsibility. So it was this perfectionism and people pleasing and fear-based parenting that I look back now and I recognize, but in the in the heat of the moment, in the time that I was raising them, to me, I was just protecting them.

Israel Caminero: 12:59

Okay.

Dawn Ward: 12:59

And I was just trying to vet their friends and trying to make sure they went to Christian school and we attended church, and I taught them all the woes and the dangers of alcohol. And to be honest with you, drugs didn't really cross my radar. It wasn't something I'd been exposed to. Uh, if anything, I thought, well, there's something in our family, whether it was, you know, uh DNA or generational or whatever it was, that to me there was something that we needed to be really careful around alcohol. I maybe had had a little bit of exposure to people who had smoked pot in high school or whatever, but for the most part, uh, once I was married and once we were determined to serve the Lord and everything, I really even sheltered myself. And other than the people that I worked with and everything, I my friends were for the most part Christian and people that we knew, couples we knew from church. And so by the time we started having children, it wasn't difficult to just kind of raise them in the church and you know, raise them around other Christians. And so the the parents tended to, and especially the moms, tended to kind of communicate and make sure that we knew what our kids were up to and what they were doing and all of that. So again, it just never crossed my mind that this could become a problem for us. And so by the time my first son graduated from high school and went to college, I really thought I dodged a bullet. Now, when he went to high school, he we had to had him in Christian school, but my husband uh had had some back injuries and he was uh on disability, was no longer working. We really couldn't afford to keep him in the private school, and he really wanted to go to public school for high school for sports and everything. So he did pretty well and and you know seemed to stay out of trouble and everything while he was in high school. And then his younger brother was doing great. He's two two and a half years behind him. I've got three children, my two are oldest are boys, and my youngest is a daughter. And he was doing great until the last year of high school. And you know, he'd been on the football team playing uh varsity band. He was just doing all kinds of things and still was keeping, still going to church, still keeping, you know, his Christian friends. But I did start to notice some changes in his appearance, his grades were slipping, and this all kind of was going on towards the middle of his senior year. And so now you're just like not even prepared for this, right? Because at this point, you know, this kid's college bound and all of this, like what could possibly be going on? And I know I was really I was working full-time, I worked in a doctor's office as a medical esthetician, did skincare and lasers and things like that. And so those I had long hours, but my husband was mostly home with them. And so, you know, he was picking them up from school and taking them, and he really didn't seem to have that much of a concern. But me, you know, I would look at him and think something's just not right here, and what's going on, and why don't you want to play football anymore, and why don't you want to be in high school band anymore? And he picked up playing with some friends in a garage band. Well, back in those days, which was close to 20 years ago, I didn't know there was such a thing that a parent could go get a drug test or that they could they were available over the counter. I didn't even know who to ask for what, is what I'm saying. Um, I knew he wasn't drinking, I didn't smell alcohol on his breaths, but I did one time catch him smoking cigarettes. So I thought, uh-oh, something's going on. And so it was a few times that I confronted him and I was like, what's going on with you? You don't seem okay. And he would just deny it. But finally one day he came in and asked to speak to my husband and took him aside and told him, he said, Dad, I thought I was smoking marijuana, but there's something in it, and I can't get off of it. And that's what I warn parents so much now of is that you think your child is just tampering with or playing with safe drugs, and you want to call them safe drugs. Trust me, the marijuana today isn't safe, but we're talking, you know, it's not the marijuana that we grew up with or that um was even on the streets 20 years ago.

Israel Caminero: 17:03

Right.

Dawn Ward: 17:03

But my point is that I wouldn't have wanted him to be doing any drugs at all, but I would never have expected in a million years, like if there was any way to pull the rug out from under me, would be to tell me that there was something addictive in that marijuana. And and um that's what they do. That's what they do, and that's what's going on out there is that you our kids are naive and they never really know what they're taking.

Israel Caminero: 17:26

Right.

Dawn Ward: 17:26

Of course, nowadays it's much, much more dangerous, and that fentanyl is pretty much in everything out there, and so it can be deadly to them. And you know, that's just the way it is, it's it's just the way the enemy is and how he's seeking to kill and destroy. And so we didn't even know, and he didn't know is what what I'm trying to say. He just knew he could not quit smoking it. And so when we took him for uh to see a doctor and to get tested, and um gotten some recommendations on you know, who do you go to for uh drug abuse, these type of doctors and things, what we found out was that it was laced with black tar heroin. Oh yeah, so they were smoking it, not injecting it, but they were smoking it. And he when the doctors were talking to him about it, he kept saying, I was told there was some poppy in there. Like he did not even know that poppy and heroin were linked to each other, they were, you know, a byproduct of poppy as heroin.

Israel Caminero: 18:29

Right.

Dawn Ward: 18:30

And so the the thing was is that they were preying on his naivete and his innocence and the other kids' innocence. And so now, you know, he wants help. He is asking for help, and he is embarrassed and humiliated and can't believe that he was so dumb, and now look where he's at. And so that was a good place for him to be, even though he was so young, even though he was 17 at the time, was still a minor, was that at least he was admitting that this was an issue, is this was a problem, and that he needed help. So he really did kind of get into drugs the tr the traditional way, if you want to say it, where kids get in with the wrong crowd and they go down a wrong path and they end up in trouble.

Israel Caminero: 19:18

Right.

Dawn Ward: 19:19

And and that was, you know, just bad company corrupts good character, and that's exactly what happened. And so for us, it did start a process of getting him counseling, getting him Christian counseling, getting him, you know, cleaned up from it took probably four or five days to kind of get that out of a system, and then working through the process with him of like, why did these, you know, why did you allow your friends to influence you? What was going on in your head that you stopped playing football and stopped doing the things that mattered to you and stopped caring about your grades and what happened in you? And and he went through quite a bit of. Of counsel, Christian counseling and all of that to kind of get some of those answers. And along the way, he did over the next few months relapse a few times because he kept going back to his old friends. Right. And at that point, well, you know, as he got toward the, he did finish high school, but as he got to the end, toward the end of high school, it was one of those situations where you cannot live here in this house and use drugs. That's it. And you are now just turning 18. So what are we going to do? And it really was at that point that he even decided what was best for him was to go out of state. And he at that point didn't need cleaned up from drugs or anything, but he was still going back and tinkering with them and toying with them, which would have been a recipe for disaster. And he ended up moving out of state and he went to what was almost like a second step-up type program, where at that point they're going in and learning how to become certified to become addiction counselors and mental health counselors and that type of thing. And so he did that program and actually became licensed and worked in that field for a few years or so before he decided that he wanted to go back to college and finish his degree. And so from that point on, he did very well. And we felt like we dodged a bullet. And we felt like, oh, you know, thank you, God, that we caught this early. And he was willing, he wanted help, he was willing to work with us. He recognized that he had to stay away from that stuff. He could never touch it again, that type of thing.

Israel Caminero: 21:28

Okay.

Dawn Ward: 21:28

And so, you know, at that point, I'm feeling, you know, pretty good. Like, okay, life's returning to normal, whatever normal is. And uh, and uh so, but then what happened was it wasn't too long after that. His brother had graduated from college and had had some ongoing problems with his stomach. And no doctors here had been able to figure out what was wrong. And he was in tremendous pain, had a hard time holding down food, different things. And finally we found the problem was a congenital birth defect that he had been born with, and we understood that he, you know, that's why he was so colicky and all the different things that went on. And so we were sent out of state for him to have a surgery. And come to find out, the reason we knew it was congenital was one of my uncles had had the same surgery, one of my cousins has had the same surgery, but families don't talk, right? And they don't often tell each other, especially when they're out of state and they don't really keep in contact with each other what's going on. So we never even knew to look for something, and the doctors here weren't asking the right questions, and so they just did not realize that that the stomach problem did require major surgery. Well, this was during the time when the drug companies, the pharmaceutical companies, were putting out the opiates and saying that they were not addictive. And so the timing was such that they were giving my son this in liquid form for several months after his surgery. And think of his surgery as if somebody were to have a gastric bypass for uh over for obesity. And but they had made, you know, they had wrapped his stomach literally around his esophagus, and so he was only able to take small bites of first for a few months liquids and then super soft foods, and it took a while for him to be able to eat solids again. And so in the process, he became addicted to these very heavy painkillers. And after about three months, we just realized he couldn't get off of them. And I went to his doctor and said, we don't know what's going on, but these, you know, every time he tries to stop taking this, he's throwing up, he's got bad headaches, he's feeling terrible, he has the shakes. And that's when she told us that the pharmaceutical company had companies had basically addicted many people, including my son, to these very strong pain painkillers. And so I think with him, what happened there was that he had had a lifetime of struggling with pain, being somebody who dealt with chronic pain. Along with that, I think anxiety, some mental health uh struggles like anxiety, depression, different things that he had been dealing with. And this was almost like mother's melt to him. It was something that he said made him feel normal. And as a result of that, unbeknownst to us, he wasn't even living at home with us, he did become addicted to those. And that did eventually lead to what was on our streets at the time, which was Black Tar heroin.

Israel Caminero: 24:29

Okay.

Dawn Ward: 24:30

And and so we began a cycle with him that took us much lower, much, you know, much darker places, uh, DUIs, jail, um, suicide attempts, mental health breakdowns, uh, the things that you hear a lot about when families have a loved one who's struggling with addiction, in and out of treatments, Christian treatment programs, uh, Christian recovery programs, and also secular ones and medical as well. And the outcome was always that he would do well for a short period of time and then he would go back to it. And so I say that that take that took me a lot lower. That was much harder for me because at this point I couldn't do anything to fix it. Like before I felt like I had tools and you know that I could use as a mother to help my child. And now all of a sudden I was dealing with and being confronted with the reality that I had no control over it and I could not fix it. And that was very hard for me. And that affected me in um very emotionally, and I think I really started to struggle with guilt and this overweighted sense of responsibility that I needed to be able to do something about it. I may not have caused it, but I sure as his mother should be able to fix it.

Israel Caminero: 25:48

How was your faith during this time? I mean, obviously your younger child went through it, and then your oldest child going through it even worse, you said. Like, how how was your faith throughout all this? You know, how how was God sustaining you through these difficult times?

Dawn Ward: 26:03

Right. Interesting thing for me is I wish I could say that I had this level of peace that passes all understanding, and that I just kind of went through this, like sailed through this with just this sense of calm. And only thing I could probably relate that to is if somebody gave you like a valium or something, you know, like that sense of being detached from your emotions. But that wasn't the case at all. I was very, very aware of my emotions. I was very aware of when I was fearful, when I was overwhelmed with guilt, when I was feeling the need to control and fix. And all of those things were hard for me because I did love the Lord and I did really trust him, but I wanted that crystal ball that would tell me the outcome. And I wrestled with that. And so there were periods because now remember this all started uh about I'd say close to eight, maybe a little over 18 years ago now. And so now we've been going through this with my older son for probably the last 15 years. And so for me, it was one of those things where I knew Jesus loved us, I knew God was with us, I knew He was going to help us get through whatever came our way, but I didn't know that my son was going to beat it or wasn't going to beat it.

Israel Caminero: 27:21

Okay.

Dawn Ward: 27:22

And that was a hard place for my faith to land. But the Lord had to work through that with me. He had to kind of show me that, you know, I could get a phone call that one of my other child children were killed, was killed in a car accident, or my husband was, or that somebody was sick with a terminal disease, or whatever it was, I could get that phone call that day.

Israel Caminero: 27:43

Yeah.

Dawn Ward: 27:44

While I was waiting for the phone call that said your son didn't make it, or that phone call again that he's in jail again, or that phone call from uh, you know, the psych hospital or whatever, um, those type of phone calls, I while I was waiting for those, the Lord had to remind me that you don't know what today holds. Only I know what today holds for you. And life is going on around you. In other words, it's not just about your son and what he's going through. There's other people that care about you, other people who need you. Uh, there's so much more in your life that that is going on, and people that I have blessed you with that I want you to give them your attention to. And it cannot be all about your son. Now, that was, you know, that was easier said than done. I really had to come to an aha moment. And sometimes people will say, like, what was your aha moment? Because in the world of addiction, you might hear, well, the person struggling with addiction has to hit rock bottom. Or they'll use terms like that, like they have to come to the end of their rope where they realize this isn't working for them, and then they're really willing to put in the work to change. Um, but we also see that with families, that that certain members of the family may carry the burden of it so much more. And it may seem, especially with moms, it may seem like they're just carrying such a heavy load and they're putting so much of their own mom guilt on themselves. Not all moms, but again, I have a support group that I founded online of almost 4,000 women, and I would say it's a common thread, and that we feel guilty, that we feel we need to we need to be able to fix this, and we have to wrestle with that. And so my aha moment came when I realized that when I wasn't at work, when I wasn't doing something I needed to be doing, I was sitting on the computer researching. I tend to be a researcher, I'm a writer, I love to research, I'm a student, I love to learn, and I had just put myself into this place of total obsession of it. And so when I wasn't at work, I I was researching it, but when I was at work, or when I was out doing anything else that involved the rest of the family, I was literally hearing in my mind, you have to fix your son, you have to fix your son, you have to save your son, you have to save your son. And I would call that a fiery dart of the enemy, but also I think my brain was under so much stress, and I had been feeding it this constant need to find a solution to the point where I didn't know how to turn it off. And so one day my husband said to me, You know, Dawn, you're gonna worry yourself to death. And I literally had a vision, a pi a picture pop up in my mind of this tombstone, and it said, She worried herself to death on it. And at that very moment when, and I said to him, I go, You have permission to write that on my tombstone. She worried herself to death. And at the moment I said that, I felt the Lord and I heard him the same way I did when I was four years old, and he said, No, I wanted to say she trusted God.

Israel Caminero: 30:52

Amen.

Dawn Ward: 30:53

Amen. And that was a real aha moment for me, like, Lord, have I been trusting you? And at that point, I realized whatever I've been doing isn't trusting. Okay, it may look like it's trusting, but it's not trusting him. And so I had to, I had to figure out, like, Lord, what does it mean to trust you without the answers, without knowing how this is all going to turn out, without knowing that my son's gonna be okay. And how does that look? And he really started me on a mission to start to work on myself and where my faith was really at and what my relationship would look like if I got the best news or I got the worst news? Would I would I trust him? Would I remain faithful to him? Would I believe that he would never leave me or forsake me? And I did start to look for help out there for Christian moms whose children were struggling with addiction. I didn't find that the secular 12-step thing programs and things ministered to my heart the way that God wanted me to really immerse myself in his word, in his presence with people who shared that faith, uh, the same faith that I had. And there was some out there, but not a lot. But I did start to to uh work, you know, towards just really working through that process of seeing his hand in our life and seeing him, his faithfulness in everything that we were going through. And that was a process of growth for me that um changed my life and and kind of changed the trajectory of the direction that I was going. Because left undealt with, I don't doubt. I've seen I've seen people whose health has completely failed due to the stress of what they're going through with their family, with their addicted child or whatever. And I've seen them go on disability, I've seen them not be able to work, I've seen them have breakdowns. And I knew the Lord didn't, you know, He doesn't want that for us, and He didn't want that for me. That's right. And so, and so that was something that I was like, Lord, I don't know how I'm gonna be able to glorify you and honor you through all this, but that's my heart's desire. And so that's where where that shift started to take place for me.

Israel Caminero: 33:05

That's good. That's good.

Dawn Ward: 33:09

Yeah, so then the way that the ministry got started was interesting enough. That was probably close to 10 years ago, and the Lord said to me, I want you to start a ministry. He used the word ministry, and he kind of gave me a vision of like, oh, a pond and sheep laying around it on the pasture, and they were happy and well tended for, and there were shepherds taking care of them, and it just all looked beautiful. And I don't know if I thought of it as a retreat or a refuge or what I thought about it, but the first thing that came out of my mouth was, God, I'm all in anything but addiction. I literally said to him, anything but addiction. And he went radio silent on me.

Israel Caminero: 33:50

Right.

Dawn Ward: 33:51

And yeah, and and I knew I'd hit it. And I have to be honest that it wasn't that I didn't want to or or that I was refusing to. I I felt like I was still in such a place of weakness and still learning and still trying to understand and grow that I had nothing to offer. And that's really what I saw, and that's how I felt about myself. And so we just kind of shelved it, you know. I I think I can't really tell you the total um time frame, but I know that he kept, you know, letting me know that this wasn't going anywhere, that it was from him, and that when the time was right, this is what I'd be doing. And so there came a point one day when he told me to start a Facebook group for moms of children struggling with addiction. And I remember arguing with him again and saying, Lord, there's so many support groups on Facebook, like we don't need another one. And uh and I don't even like social media. I happened to join social media because my pastor was was sick and with late-stage cancer, and back then that's where they were giving us updates. And I got on there and found that there were some support groups and things, and I and I joined some of them, and and I just thought, you know, what's this gonna even look like? And the Lord persisted, and I finally just was like, okay, well, what are we gonna talk about? What do you want us to do? And he he's like, start the group, and then I'll tell you, kind of a thing. So I started the group, didn't know how, had to, you know, Google how to start a group on Facebook and all of that and got it going. And as soon as I did, he said, it's going to be a group where you're going to pray for your children, encourage the moms, and glorify me. And in the yeah, and in the process, I realized it wasn't going to be like the groups that were maybe advocating or lobbying for uh changes in the laws. It wasn't going to be a group where they were going to be offering um medical advice or or any of that. And it was going to be a basically a prayer group and a place for us just to love and encourage each other and remind each other because I could have used that, you know, back in the day when I was afraid to talk to the people at my church about it, and and nobody else seemed to be going through what I was going through, and I and just kind of kept it to myself. I realized that so many Christian women didn't know where they could go, where they could kind of rally, you know, this with their faith and and and say, like, I love God, but I just don't understand why this is happening. And I I can't seem to pray enough, and nothing ever changes, and I can't seem to get off this roller coaster. And and so that's really when we just started to have a place where we could pray for each other and encourage each other and and bring glory to God and remind each other of who God is and his power and his love for their child and for them. And over time it has grown, and what I've really seen is the other moms taking care of each other now. Like some of the moms who've been doing this for a while have gotten to that place where they're constantly sharing the word, constantly praying. And they were ones that in the beginning were struggling so much. Some had talked about, you know, that they couldn't continue to live this way. They wanted to end their life, and to see that growth in them, I realize that it's a safe place that the Lord has for moms of children struggling with addiction to be able to kind of share their faith and at the same time, you know, and encourage each other and just remind each other of who God is. And so that was the very first thing he had me do. But I knew that wasn't the vision that he'd given me. And that was part of the vision, but it wasn't the full vision. And so at one point he wanted me to start writing about our journey and about what I was going through and what our family was going through. And I didn't feel like I even really wanted to talk publicly about it. But now he was impressing me to do that. And so I started a blog. I didn't know what a blog was, and I don't think I do my blog quite right anyway. I think everybody I talked to always, you know, they're like, you could reach more people if you'd figure out how to do your blog. And I'm like, well, I don't know. I just write on the thing.

Israel Caminero: 37:53

Whatever works, right?

Dawn Ward: 37:54

Whatever works, right? And it never was for me to, I never I always was cautious because I wasn't seeking to monetize. You know, that wasn't where I wanted to go. I I had a job and I had a career, and I just was just trying to do the next thing that God asked me to. So I was never looking to see like what's the next thing I can do to get more people and more followers and all this. And I'm and I know a lot of people do that, and you know, they have careers and they have online presence with their careers and everything, but I just kept knowing that God was telling me this was a ministry and I was just supposed to do the next thing He told me to do. So the whole time, ever since I started, it's been a giant learning curve. Everything is me always having to learn how to do it. The only thing is I can talk and I can write the words that I can talk, that I can speak. So the the Lord's kind of you know given me that that doesn't have such a huge learning curve, but everything else online had a huge learning curve, it still does. And so as I started to blog and would get up every day, and the Lord would just give me words to pour, He would just have me pour out, He would pour into me whatever He wanted me to speak, whatever words of hope, encouragement. And it was like, Lord, we are talking so much more about you and your goodness and your power, and we're not focusing on this addiction thing all the time. And we're trusting you. And it wasn't so I do write about addiction, I do write about its impact in our family, but still, when you read it, it's mostly and mainly about the Lord, and that was just the direction that he called me, and so the blog then turned into over time him. I I started doing just taking a deep dive and really trying to understand like what does the Bible say about addiction and God, you know, once an addict, always an addict. Are these things true? Because these things are robbing me of my hope, they're robbing me of seeing you as uh Jehovah Rafa and and the God who heals and all. I'm like, I'm just feeling like you know, as I focus on these terms that are out there, they just make me feel less hopeful and more hopeless. And so I felt like, well, I just need to know what the Bible says. And I took a deep Plunge into the scriptures and I write Bible studies, and it it really became something where as I was working through this whole thing of understanding what the Lord says about addiction and what he says about idolatry and what he says about sickness and what he says about sin and all the different things that I was studying, um, it just became this big Bible study and that I was putting together. And at as I put together all the research, thinking this is the direction I was going to go, he said to me, Um, now I want you to write a book. And I was like, gulp, you want me to write a book? And I and I could and I could hide and I had co-authored a workbook with a friend to help mothers whose children struggle with addiction and all of that. And I had written some devotionals that were that I had contributed to other books, and I had blogged on and and written for other people's, you know, guest guest writer and guest blogger and things, but now he was asking me to write a book. And I could hide behind a Bible study because it didn't have to be about me, it's a Bible study.

Israel Caminero: 41:04

Right.

Dawn Ward: 41:04

And and but when he told me to write a book, and he said, and I want you to put your story in there, that became something that was a big faith step for me because I didn't know how to do that in such a way that I could love my father and honor him and respect him as my dad, just know he had he had his own struggles.

Israel Caminero: 41:27

Right.

Dawn Ward: 41:27

And to be able to, you know, to reconcile that because I know who he is, and I know the love he has for his children, the dedication he has to his family and everything. Um, I know that. But when you put that on paper, how do you convey that in such a way that you honor your parent, you love them, you respect them, and you you show the whole person. And now I was going to need to do that with my children. And along the way, on top of all of this, my husband had also developed an addiction to pain pills after numerous back surgeries, multiple fusions in his back. And in the process, because we live in Las Vegas and idle time on his hands and everything, and just feeling like a failure, he had picked up gambling. He would go, because we can go into our local um 7-Elevens and places like that and slot machines there. Okay, and all this was was really kind of hidden from me while I was focusing on my kids. And so as the Lord started to reveal what he was going through, and we had to walk through that journey as well, the Lord really miraculously delivered him. So now I've had the experience of, you know, one son who's kind of worked through the process and it's and has come out doing very well, another one who's been intermittently doing well and having his struggles and you know, not an easy cleanup, if you want to call it that. And then my husband who had a miracle and a miraculous deliverance. And and now I'm like, okay, God, what is all of this? And how do I put all of this in this book? Because now, you know, everything my family's gone through is out is going to be out there.

Israel Caminero: 43:01

Right.

Dawn Ward: 43:03

And so as I started to write, I feel like that first round of writing really there were a few stories in there. I did talk about my emotions. I talked a lot about how I felt and my struggle and my faith and what I was going through, but didn't divulge too much of the actual experiences of what I went through with the children and my husband. And and so when my developmental editor came back, she was like, This is really good, but you need more of your stories in there. This is where you're gonna connect with these people. And I didn't know at that point if I was gonna quit and just not do it because it wasn't a memoir. You know, it just was not a memoir. That's not what it was meant for. It was really meant. The book is called From Guilt to Grace, Hope and Healing for Christian Moms of Addicted Children. And it takes us through that process of that overwhelming guilt and self-blame and all the things we experience to getting to a place of trusting God. And we can only do that by His grace. And I didn't even know that's how the book was gonna, you know, that was the journey the book was going to take. I I was just very cautious about how to protect my family in the process. And I think that's what keeps a lot of families away from support groups and away from uh the church and away from away from telling their story is they're so afraid they want to protect them. And the Lord had to show me that it was his job to protect them, and that he would show me how to have the conversations about what we were going through as a family in a way that honored him and also honored them, and that that they would be able to trust me with their stories. And so that's the process that we went through of writing the book, and the boys were very trusting, they knew that I would be very careful, especially with my younger one who was only 17. You know, he's a minor. It's up to him to decide like, does he want a story out there and how much of it does he want to tell?

Israel Caminero: 44:59

Right.

Dawn Ward: 45:00

And and then my um older son was an adult, and he had actually started his own YouTube video uh channel and and podcast called at the time it was called Recove Hub, and he was bringing people on in the addiction recovery community and interviewing them. And he doesn't have that podcast anymore, but he had it for a few years, and he was telling his story. So he was much more open to you know to talk about it because it was normal and comfortable for him. And then I had to, of course, ask my husband, do I leave your years in or do I leave it out? And he's like, Yeah, put it out there. I want it out there. And so that was a process, but when it was time to push send, you know, and actually get the book published, that was a real hard place for me. I was like, Lord, please assure me that you are in this and that this is you telling me to write this because if you just wanted me to write it for my own sake and you don't really want it published, then it doesn't have to be published. We can, you know, I can be okay. I can err on the side of caution and I can be okay. But he really stressed to me and affirmed to me over and over again that this that this was, you know, it was his book to write, and I was a vessel, and he wanted it out there. And so that's where we're at. And that in the book published about six months ago, and so just kind of trusting that he'll get it into the right hands and hopefully it'll help a few people in the process.

Israel Caminero: 46:27

Amen. It's funny how God kept uh putting all these things in front of you, making you uncomfortable, you know, with the Facebook page, the Faith to Flourish ministry, the blogs, and the book, but you obeyed, even though you struggled a little bit, you still obeyed and look where you're at.

Dawn Ward: 46:46

I'm very grateful because uh it was probably about a little over a year ago or so. You know, I think when I look back now, I can really see how important the online communities were for people during COVID. And so having that presence for those moms, you know, that maybe weren't even going to church on Sundays anymore or anything, having that online presence was was really helpful, and I can see that he put me in there for that reason. But it was probably a little over a year or so ago that he said, Don, I really want you to start to be boots on the ground again, like at your local church. Um, you've always loved to teach ladies Bible study, you write Bible studies and all these things. And I thought, well, I'm not really gonna kind of walk into the church after serving, not really serving in the church during this time and serving more online and say, here I am to save the day. What do you want me to do? But he flung the door open. He literally flung the door open for me to be able to start uh writing Bible studies, uh ministering to the women in the church. And as a result, I of my story and having practiced telling my story through the book, through the online ministry, through the um podcast interviews and things, I was very comfortable to stand in front of the church and talk about what we'd gone through and not be worried about rejection or shame or any of those things. And when that happened from where I was when all this first started, when I was so concerned about what they would think if they knew and all of that, to where I'm at today, I really that really helped me to realize, Lord, you really have done a good work in me. Because now I'm concerned about just how do you want to use me, Lord? And if my story can help, then I'm here to share it. Um and he's you know, he's just taught me how to do it in such a way that it my hope my hope is always that when I'm done with the conversation, they will have hope and that they will put their eyes on Jesus and that my story will not be something that will discourage or depress them. Uh, because we do in this ministry and in this um addiction community get a lot of bad news too.

Israel Caminero: 48:49

Yeah.

Dawn Ward: 48:50

And we see a lot of lives lost, and you know, children that we've been praying for for many years who are no longer with us. And and but what we pray for is that no matter what comes our way, that we'll feel the the loving presence of our Heavenly Father of Abba with us and that he'll carry us through it. And I've seen him do that faithfully over and over and over again in the lives of the of the women that he's had me serving and and ministering to, and they've ministered to me, and they've given me hope, and they've shown me that there's nothing that can separate us from the love of God, and there's nothing that we can go through that he will not be there and he will not carry us. And so as a result, I feel that now I can see that I truly am healed from that overwhelming sense of fear and guilt and shame that I carried for so many years, that I really am walking in his grace. It doesn't mean that there aren't times when my anxiety doesn't go through the roof. I don't want, you know, I'm not, I'm I haven't achieved that yet. But but I have uh gotten to the place where every time a fear or some a fearful situation arises, it's just instant for me to look to the Lord and for him to start to speak his truth to me and comfort me and encourage me. And so I can look back now and say, Lord, you know, I know that I could trust you and really mean it now. Because that was my big aha moment was you know, Don, I don't want you just to say you trust me, but I want you to really mean you trust me.

Israel Caminero: 50:17

Amen. Amen. That's awesome, Don. I'm I love your story and I love what you're doing with these ministries and the Faith the Florest ministry and her book, Guilt to Grace. I'll have links to all that on the description of this podcast. That way you guys can go visit the site and buy her book and read it. Um I'm sure there's people out there that are struggling with the same thing that you just shared because everyone's testimony is different, but there's always someone that it touches no matter what. Right. And I just want to thank you for sharing it, being open like you were as far as you know, your children and your husband also. And I hope they're doing well right now as of today.

Dawn Ward: 51:05

Everyone's doing well as of today, and I'm very grateful. We've had uh we've had some rough roads uh the over the last uh year, I would say, with my older son, and he does tend to have some struggles, you know, with mental health and things, but he is finally at a place where he's he's always believed in Jesus, and that's why he has a hard time. He'll say, I don't understand, I don't have, I don't have the faith, I don't feel like what you feel like. And I can see God doing some things in his life right now where he's really speaking to him intimately and strengthening his faith. And I I realize that you know this has just been his journey to coming to know the Lord and knowing his faithfulness, and that while he's made bad decisions, there's so many other things that he's going through, and the Lord is with him, and I'm very grateful, and I and I can see God's hand on his life, and I'm and I'm very grateful for that.

Israel Caminero: 51:55

Amen. Amen. I'm glad to hear that. But right now I want to ask you a few questions. My first question is was there a life verse that you relied on through this journey of yours, you know, when your children were going through it, that you could always go back to and and read to give you comfort and what that verse is and what it meant to you.

Dawn Ward: 52:19

Well, you know, of course, in Proverbs where it says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding, and in all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight. And that one for me I hung on to a lot because I always wanted understanding. Like my craving for knowledge and to understand why, why is this happening? What can I do? How can I fix it? Was one that the Lord placed on my heart many times throughout our struggle. In the process of writing this book, though, one that has become so dear to my heart and so close to my heart, and now I see God's hand in this verse on his hand on my life in this verse is Hebrew 4.16. And it says, Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. And that verse has made such a difference in my life because I never gave myself much grace. And while I knew that God's grace saved us and set us free, I didn't understand that his grace and his mercy is available to me every moment of every day.

Israel Caminero: 53:23

That's right.

Dawn Ward: 53:24

And when I finally, when I finally got a hold of that and thought, Don, like, okay, you messed up. Okay, you know, you gave him money when you shouldn't have given him money, or you uh got involved when you shouldn't have been involved, or you said you spoke too harshly and you spoke without knowing, or whatever it was, the Lord would remind me of his grace and his mercy, and that I can just return to his throne over and over and over again, and he will be there, and I will find grace and mercy to help in time of need. And then just one more that for me has been a life-changing chapter of the Bible, and that is 2 Chronicles 20. And within that, we see the enemies coming up against Israel. We see uh King Jehoshaphat realizing he's surrounded by his enemy, his enemies, and that they are going to perish. And the first thing he does is he calls for prayer and fasting and says, Lord, we don't know what to do, but our eyes are on you. And as a result, I saw a battle plan in there. I saw a real battle plan in there of praying and fasting and seeking God and not giving the attention to the enemy, but putting our eyes on him. And they rose and they praised him and they sang and they worshiped him. And their victory came through that, through that surrender and through that worship and that praise. And that chapter over and over again, I would return to because I'd be like, Lord, I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you. And that's when I really encourage it, no matter what you're going through, that chapter can speak to you richly if you just take it in bite-sized pieces and really see what God was doing in the lives of these people.

Israel Caminero: 55:04

That's right. I know exactly what you're talking about. And not only did they win the battle, they got all the gold and everything also.

Dawn Ward: 55:12

They got it all, yes. Victory.

Israel Caminero: 55:15

That's right. That's right. That's a good one. I like that one.

Dawn Ward: 55:18

Love it.

Israel Caminero: 55:19

But now we're going to my back to the past section of the podcast. And my back to the past section is if the Dawn of today could go back in time and talk to the Dawn, the younger Dawn, um, while you were going through this or even before, what would you say to her and why?

Dawn Ward: 55:43

I would I I thought about this question, and because I do have that moment where Jesus stepped into my life, and and it's such a vivid moment to me. And I wondered why I would have struggled with some so many of the emotions and fear and everything that I struggled with, having had such a personal encounter with Jesus at such a young age. Of course, my young mind didn't probably wrap itself entirely around what he was doing in my life at that point. But I would look one thing I would say is it's not your fault. And that is something I needed for my life because it's what kept me trapped in guilt. That if there was something wrong, in some way or another, it was my fault. And that is just not even reasonable. Like an adult mind would have, you know, said, no way. Like, you know, unless something's really my fault, I'm not taking that one on. But as a child, we don't do that. As a child, if things are told to us and we live in a situation where we feel blamed a lot, we will take that as truth. And there was just never any process during my teenage years where I where I um processed that and worked through that. So I would say it's not your fault, and that there's more going on here than you understand, and just trust me. And then I would say, be a kid and just have fun, because I think I took life way too seriously uh because of the environment I grew up in. But when I had fun, I loved to have fun and uh had a sense of humor and all of that. And so I look back now and I and I think if older Dawn could say something to younger son, Dawn is like, be a kid and just enjoy life and and trust God through the process, and He'll get you He'll get you through no matter what you have to face.

Israel Caminero: 57:26

Amen. Amen. Thank you. Thank you for sharing that, and thank you for sharing your story once again. And like I said earlier, the Faith to Flourish Ministries and From Guilt to Grace, her book, all that will be on the description of the podcast. If you want to go visit her and say hello, that you heard her here on Living Testimonies. I'm sure I'll probably go visit that myself. And before we close out, Dawn, could you pray us out?

Dawn Ward: 57:55

I would love to. Thank you so much for asking. Lord Jesus, we praise you. Father, thank you so much for this time together. Thank you for allowing me to share my testimony and to share your story of how you are so faithful in our lives and that you're always with us and that we can trust you. And for anyone who maybe is feeling alone or isolated today, is feeling as though they're not seen, that no one knows what's going on, that no one cares, I would ask you, Jesus, just to be such a very real presence in their life. Uh love them as only you can love them. Let them know, Father, that you see them, that you know what's going on, that you hear their cries, and that you are with them. And Jesus, if there is a parent, a wife, a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a loved one who is watching their loved one struggle with addiction or life-destructive behaviors or choices, it can be any number of things, and they see them suffering and they are hurting so much for them. Lord, I pray that you would comfort them, that you would help them, Father, to not become overly consumed with trying to fix their struggling loved one, but Father, that they would just trust you and do what you tell them to do. What is that next thing you want them to do? And I know that our highest responsibility is to love them as you love them. And that's the thing that you want us to do more than anything is to share your love with the people that are hurting in our lives. So I pray that if they're hurting, that they would feel your love, and then in return, they would pour out your love to the people in their lives that are hurting. And Jesus, we know that life isn't always perfect, it doesn't always have the outcome that we want it to have. And while we pray for victory on this side of heaven, we know that sometimes our victory awaits us in heaven. And so, Jesus, I pray that for those who maybe are afraid of what might happen, what might And go wrong next, that they're that they would feel nothing but perfect peace, knowing that you're in control and that you love their loved ones so much more than they ever could, and that your eye is upon them. And so, Jesus, we thank you, we praise you, we thank you for your love for us, we thank you for your grace and for your mercy in our lives, and we give you the glory and praise. In your name we pray. Amen.

Israel Caminero: 1:00:23

Amen. Amen. Thank you for that prayer. That was a good one.

Dawn Ward: 1:00:27

Thank you. You're welcome.

Israel Caminero: 1:00:28

And again, thank you for being here and taking the time to share your testimony. Thanks again.

Dawn Ward: 1:00:33

No worries at all. I just really enjoyed our conversation.

Israel Caminero: 1:00:37

I really enjoyed our conversation also. I'm glad you were here. And like I said, I'll probably give your Facebook page a follow, and you know, we'll go we'll go from there. And I just want to thank everyone that's tuned in to listen and the love that you've shared with me. Um, you know, like I said, I'm just a pawn that God's using in this, you know, it's all to glorify him. It's Dawn's story, but it's glorifying God as she's saying it, and that's what we want is just to glorify his name. There's someone out there that's struggling with the same story they might hear on this podcast, and it gives them hope, like she said, and that's a good thing.

Dawn Ward: 1:01:16

Amen.

Israel Caminero: 1:01:17

Amen. So until next time, I'd like to say to everyone, God bless.