Unshackled: Breaking the Cycle She Thought Would Never End, with Tarin Estvanko

Join me as I sit down with Tarin Estvanko, who shares her powerful and vulnerable story of overcoming childhood trauma, including the loss of her father and sexual abuse by a family member. Hear how this led to self-destructive behaviors and a period of backsliding, but ultimately, how she found healing and restoration through her faith and becoming a counselor to help others. With raw emotion and authenticity, Tarin takes us on a journey of forgiveness, redemption, and finding her voice to advocate for those who need it most.

Transcript

Israel Caminero: 0:17

Welcome to Living Testimony, Stories of Faith and Redemption. I'm your host, Israel Caminero, and I hope everyone that is listening is blessed and doing well. With me today I have my good friend Taryn Estvanko, which I've known for a while, and she used to attend my old church, Lake with New Life, and that's where I met her. Uh Taryn, could you introduce yourself to everyone, please?

Tarin Estvanko: 0:38

Hi, I am Taryn, and I am a mom of two boys. I have a husband and I stay at home currently. Um, I also am a counselor, but the Lord has uh brought me out of that season into a new one, which I will share in my testimony.

Israel Caminero: 0:56

Amen. Amen to that. I'm glad Taryn's here because Taryn's a good friend of ours and she talks to my wife all the time. And I used to tell my wife, Taryn seems like she has no problems, like she's always giggly and happy, and just wait till you hear her testimony. Boy, was I wrong. She has a great testimony, and I'm glad that I invited her. So before we get started, I would just like to say a prayer. And I just want to say, Father God, just thank you, Lord, for every day that we're here on this earth, because tomorrow's not promised, Lord. Thank you for this time, for Taryn to come in here and just share her testimony, for everyone to hear, for everyone to know that they might be going through the same thing she went through in their life, how God orchestrated everything in her life to just bring her out of that and to where she's at now. Thank you for this platform that you have given me for the wisdom and the strength and the courage to just start this podcast for your glory, Lord, for everyone to share their testimony. I just want to thank Taryn once again for being here, that she's blessed and not stressed while giving her testimony. It's in your name that we pray. Amen. Amen. So, Taryn, um, you know, you're here obviously to give your testimony, and I just want you to let us know like, can you tell us about you know your childhood before you were saved by Christ? You know, how that was with your family and what it entailed.

Tarin Estvanko: 2:29

Yeah, so that's actually where my testimony um starts at the beginning. So I I will start at the age of five. That is the time that my father passed away. And things just changed. So we were attending church at the time. Um, and even after he passed, we were still attending church. Um, but then there was division that it came into play where my mom ended up having to pick up extra jobs, and we were with babysitters a lot, mostly just one or maybe two. Um, I was introduced to some things along the way uh through the babysitters, like um one in particular, um, walking in on sexual content. So that was something that we were exposed to as kids. And then um my brothers growing up would have lots of parties because mom wasn't home. So it was just uh kind of a free-for-all, really. Um and she did her best, and it took me a long time to realize that she was doing what she could to make ends meet, and um, you know, just it was it was a lot for her. Having three kids, being a stay-at-home mom to working two to three jobs sometimes and never really being home.

Israel Caminero: 3:46

So this this you were experiencing all this at five years old, or did this happen after?

Tarin Estvanko: 3:51

So it was five years old and beyond. So it was just like that was my childhood.

Israel Caminero: 3:57

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 3:58

So um, and then later on, uh maybe 10 years old, maybe maybe younger. I don't really know um the age, but then there was some trauma um that I expressed some sexual trauma by the um hands of somebody that I knew that was a relative that was supposed to be someone who was protecting me. Right, but um that was not the case. Unfortunately, um that person uh would use the Bible for manipulation. Oh no, lots of um forgive and forget, like after the fact. Um, it stirred a lot of anger in me and toward not just towards that person, but towards um other family members. Um, once this came out and it was known, it was rough. It was pretty rough.

Israel Caminero: 4:52

I'm sure at that age, anything like that is rough. Your mom obviously didn't know about that because she was probably busy trying to make ends meet, like you said. And did she find out eventually what was going on or no?

Tarin Estvanko: 5:06

Yes. So unfortunately, um, I felt like nobody cared. So it was it was it was learning now as a believer and being where I'm at now in my spiritual walk with the Lord, like I know that was just an open door for the enemy and his little minions to come in and tell me all sorts of lies about myself and about others. Um, so at the time I felt like nobody cared, nobody believed me. Um, and then I did end up proving it um to those individuals um by kind of setting a trap for the person.

Israel Caminero: 5:43

Gotcha.

Tarin Estvanko: 5:44

And knowing um what they would do.

Israel Caminero: 5:46

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 5:47

So um, and then from that point forward, it was different. It was um, you know, it was a pivotal moment in terms of like what now, you know, like now what happens because this was a person who was supposed to be watching us, and okay, you know, it was a it was a whole different kind of hell.

Israel Caminero: 6:08

So it was a trustworthy person that obviously wasn't trustworthy in obvious ways.

Tarin Estvanko: 6:15

Yeah.

Israel Caminero: 6:16

And no one was aware of it. People weren't believing you when you were saying it until you set that trap.

Tarin Estvanko: 6:22

Yeah.

Israel Caminero: 6:24

And it's crazy, you know, because as a child, you're sitting here experiencing these things, and you try to say something about it, and of course, an adult can deny it and say you're making things up, and that's probably what happened, is in this case, is my guess, correct?

Tarin Estvanko: 6:42

Uh yeah. I mean, it's it's somebody that was um, you know, they were trustworthy the uh in the community, like people, you know, it was about a an image, you know what I mean, that this person portrayed. So it was difficult for people to really grasp that, especially those who love this person. Like, and it it was hard um on the family and everybody, um, and on me, obviously.

Israel Caminero: 7:12

Then um did that last for a while, like years or you know, months, or you don't remember?

Tarin Estvanko: 7:18

I don't remember. And maybe that's a good thing then yeah, I I I think it's a good thing.

Israel Caminero: 7:23

Yeah.

Tarin Estvanko: 7:24

Um, you know, and counsel as a counselor, I know that like the body remembers what the mind forgets. So like trauma is very delicate, obviously. So different things, smells, sounds, sayings, things could just bring that right up. So I've learned that throughout my life, like what those triggers are, thank God. You know, so I am well aware, you know.

Israel Caminero: 7:51

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 7:52

Um, but after that, um, you know, my mom worked very hard to have like a place to live and stuff. So um we were kind of bouncing around a little bit um for a period of time. Um, and she was living somewhere else, and we actually had to stay with this person, the same person, the same person.

Israel Caminero: 8:16

Oh wow.

Tarin Estvanko: 8:17

So I was like, you know, a big like no way, no-how, I'm gonna put up a fight. And I did. And um, that's kind of where I took a downward spiral. Okay. Like I I and I would say um that was around seventh grade. So around seventh grade, um, I decided, you know what, I'm just gonna do whatever I want, and nobody's gonna tell me what to do, and I'm gonna stay here and I'm gonna do this, and and you know, kind of just open the door to everything to get out of that house.

Israel Caminero: 8:50

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 8:51

You know.

Israel Caminero: 8:52

Um care to elaborate or yeah.

Tarin Estvanko: 8:54

So first it started with alcohol. So I and and I was drinking at I mean, at in seventh grade. I don't even know what age you are in seventh grade.

Israel Caminero: 9:04

12, 13.

Tarin Estvanko: 9:05

Yeah. Um, so seventh, eighth grade, and and that's also when I begin kind of skipping school, when I would stay at friends' houses, um, because I didn't want to stay there. So I only stayed there if I absolutely had to.

Israel Caminero: 9:16

Right.

Tarin Estvanko: 9:17

Um, but I went in between um, I would say three houses at the most.

Israel Caminero: 9:24

Um like house surfing, you mean? Like staying at different houses.

Tarin Estvanko: 9:28

Yeah, I would stay with a friend and her family that didn't live far um uh from where I was at. So I'd walk there. Okay. You know, I got a job as soon as I could get a job. So that got me out of the house. I would walk to that job. Um, you know, it was a couple miles up the road, it wasn't too bad, but you know, um, I did exactly what I could do to get out. Um, but that also opened the door for um, you know, I had a perception of of what love was at that point. Right. You know, at that point I'm like, wait a minute, love lies? Hold on a second. Love uh love doesn't protect you. You know, I was telling myself all sorts of um things because of what happened, and of course the enemy used that to really just um take me into a depression and you know open the door to other other drug activity and just uh promiscuity, just a lot of sin um at that time.

Israel Caminero: 10:27

Okay. And this was going on for a while.

Tarin Estvanko: 10:30

This was going on for a while all through high school. Um, however, I will say I still wanted to attend church. I something in me like still wanted to go. I um I would get really upset when I couldn't go. Wow. Um, you know, uh if we had um something called stars at this church that I attended, and it was on Wednesdays, and I would go on Fridays if I could, and I would go Sundays with my mom. My brothers put up a fight, so there was always some kind of you know, um discord going on anytime church came up uh um in the house or on the phone because my mom wasn't staying with us. So when she would tell me, hey, you know, I just can't make it to come get you, you know, because the church that we attended, um it was about 30 minutes from where I was staying, maybe 15 from where she was at.

Israel Caminero: 11:20

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 11:20

Um, something like that. Um could have been a little longer. And so I would be like crushed. I'd be like, you know, hang up the phone, you know, teenage rebellion and just okay, fine. If you're not gonna come get me, I'm I'm not gonna be here, you know.

Israel Caminero: 11:35

Right. So So even though you were experiencing all that trauma at a young age, five, twelve, thirteen, something was still drawing you to church. Yeah. Not something. We all know who it was. God was drawing you to church, and that's that's good, you know, that that even though bad things were happening in your life, you still felt bad when you were attending church. Yeah. Or youth groups or whatever, you know, you were attending at that time. Right. So, you know, you you said your mom wasn't living with you and you were binge drinking and got into all sorts of other stuff.

Tarin Estvanko: 12:13

Can you elaborate more on on the activity that I was doing?

Israel Caminero: 12:17

Yeah, yeah, if you if you would like to, whatever you want to share.

Tarin Estvanko: 12:20

It started with alcohol and then it was um weed. So um I was kind of a pothead.

Israel Caminero: 12:28

Yeah.

Tarin Estvanko: 12:28

Um at that time, um, to numb the pain, to just kind of chill out, because I was anxious. I was um I also go went into a depression and stuff. Um and then later on in high school is whenever I tested other drugs, like um it was more cocaine, and then um I did try ecstasy a couple times. Um, and that that's as far as that went.

Israel Caminero: 13:00

Um that's good.

Tarin Estvanko: 13:02

So yeah, um you take all of that into consideration, but I it, you know, I didn't feel loved, I felt isolated, I felt like nobody cared. I felt alone, I felt abandoned, I felt everything that the enemy tells you at a time like that, right? Um at the time I couldn't identify that. I was just like, what in the world? I at that time I also started um self-mutilating, so I would like cut my legs. I cut where nobody would know. So you would never know. And I was really good at just putting on a smile and acting like everything was good. Yeah so I I got really good at the at wearing a mask, as we would say in counseling.

Israel Caminero: 13:45

Now you said your your father passed away at an early age. Did you have any other men in your life at that point in time when you were going through all this that that were that father figure, or even maybe like that would have been a boyfriend or anything like that?

Tarin Estvanko: 14:01

Um so my mom eventually had a couple boyfriends, and um one of which is where she was staying at the time. So I did use that against her, unfortunately. Like I had a lot of anger built up towards her um for what had happened. Um I blamed God, I blamed her, I blame you know, I had a lot of stuff going on internally, um, to say the least. Um, but the person that um did those things to me, like that was supposed to be a father figure. So that's where um I mean the only other person that was really um that for me or a protector was my oldest brother. Well, actually both my brothers, but my oldest brother really took a you know a father figure role stand up for Taryn and go to bat for me, um, so to speak.

Israel Caminero: 14:52

So Okay. Yeah. All right. So I I was I didn't know that the gentleman doing that stuff was the father figure role at that point in time. I was just wondering if there was, you know, like if your mom ended up remarrying or had a boyfriend or anything like that, that was kind of it's not the same as your father, obviously, but just a father figure there that might have tried guiding you in a different way.

Tarin Estvanko: 15:17

Yeah.

Israel Caminero: 15:18

But um, as you said, there wasn't.

Tarin Estvanko: 15:21

No, there was not. And at the time she dated this gentleman, um, the one that she was with for a period of time for eight years. Um, but unfortunately, when they bro so when they broke up, she kind of stopped going to church.

Israel Caminero: 15:35

Oh, okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 15:36

So then I obviously stopped going to church.

Israel Caminero: 15:39

Gotcha.

Tarin Estvanko: 15:39

And that was right around 2004, maybe 2003. Um so right around the time that I would have graduated high school. Okay. 2004. Um So that was you know, a whole nother thing in itself, you know.

Israel Caminero: 15:57

You mean after you graduated?

Tarin Estvanko: 15:59

Um, yeah, so that's where I encountered God again, I should say. Um, so going back into the drugs and everything like that, um before she was staying at the house we were at, because so we moved again and I was not couch surfing at that time. And I was not going from friend to friend. And and actually I would stay with her in this in the summertime if I was able to, um, if I could, you know, given the you know, rides and things like that, and whatever I was doing or whatever, you know, given the circumstances. So anyhow, um we had this party, and I I some friends and I were um you know, snorting cocaine, and um I remember being in my bedroom and I sat there for a minute and suddenly I felt like I was gonna die. And I was like, I don't like this, and wiped my nose, and there was just blood just pouring out. And my friend was like, Taryn, are you okay? And I was like, I feel like I'm dying right now. Like if this is what death feels like, I feel like that's happening. Yeah, and in that moment, um, is whenever I was like, I don't want to get emotional, but it's like the Lord chases you.

Israel Caminero: 17:27

He does.

Tarin Estvanko: 17:28

So sorry.

Israel Caminero: 17:31

You're perfectly fine. That's what this is all about.

Tarin Estvanko: 17:37

Just makes me so grateful that it happened. He even in my sin, even in uh you know, it wasn't deliberate, you know what I mean? Like I chose to engage in in those things. But um even though I did that, he was there, he listened. So, you know, I called on him and I was like, Lord, I don't want to die. Like that's it. I just I don't want to die, I'm not ready. And um obviously I did not, I'm here. So it was pretty like life-changing. So from that point on, like I kind of made a vow to the Lord, you know, like, well, if I'm gonna do this, I need I need you, I need you to help me. Cause at that point I was addicted to Coke.

Israel Caminero: 18:27

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 18:27

At that point, I I was down, I was just like not doing well. Um and you know, I I cut off everybody from my life, all my friends. So at that point, I all my friends were addicts. All my friends were doing stuff, so I couldn't be friends with them.

Israel Caminero: 18:47

Exactly.

Tarin Estvanko: 18:48

You know, and that was hard because I had a lot of friends, but all of them were using. I think I had one friend who was actually um the girlfriend of my um one of my brothers at the time, and her and I became really close and she was not using like she so and and that was somebody I leaned on at the time. She was somebody um, you know, that was, you know, just a more of a positive influence than what I knew. Right. You know.

Israel Caminero: 19:20

That night that you said uh, you know, you felt like you were dying called upon the Lord, yeah, and he came down. Did you end up going to the hospital or anything that night? Or you just heard God's voice that night and that just changed you from then on out, or is that what happened?

Tarin Estvanko: 19:37

Yeah, so I did not go to the hospital or anything. Um, you know, it was almost like because I grew up in church, like and I knew uh scripture and I knew, you know, I had some um background. Yeah, and I had some sort of relationship, whether that was a warped relationship um with the Lord, I knew in my heart or in my in my spirit. Spirit that I could trust him. Right. You know, something in me, I had faith. I had a mustard seed of faith that he could, that he would and could save me in that moment. And he did. Um, I also knew I'm going through the molestation and everything, I knew that I wanted to help kids. Like I knew that was in my heart. I knew I I had a fire for helping kids. And um, you know, I was determined, like, I'm gonna be a psychologist and I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna be that voice for kids that don't have a voice, and I'm gonna be there for them, and I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna do it.

Israel Caminero: 20:39

Yeah.

Tarin Estvanko: 20:40

Um, so um fast forward a little bit. So I isolated, I didn't really have any friends. Um, and then uh, you know, I was can I touch base on that?

Israel Caminero: 20:53

You you you said you alienated yourself from your friends, like you just dropped them cold turkey, like you didn't you didn't associate whatsoever with them. Did they try reaching out to you and just cut them off, period?

Tarin Estvanko: 21:06

Yeah, um, one was a very close friend of mine. Um, unfortunately, um, I had some guilt and I had to deal with that. But I um the day that I thought I was dying, she always didn't want to um try coke or anything like that because her mom, she came, her mom was um a crack addict and did some other things and everything. Um she was like, I'm never gonna do that. Well, she ended up trying it because I did.

Israel Caminero: 21:36

Oh, okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 21:37

Um, and unfortunately, she got into heroin and stuff. So once I found out like she was still doing what she like she was doing the coke and then she was doing other stuff, I was like, so I can't talk to you. I can't, I I love you, but I can't be around you if you're gonna be around it because I I'm not, you know. Yeah. Um, and that was hard because that was a lifelong friend.

Israel Caminero: 22:04

Well, I mean, to hold yourself accountable, you had to do that.

Tarin Estvanko: 22:07

Yeah.

Israel Caminero: 22:08

Like you said, they were all doing it. You know, you're gonna talk to these people, and that's what they're gonna be doing. It would only draw you back to it, you know. Yeah, so you had to hold yourself accountable and get out of that. Do you see any of them today or no? Not at all. Or like do you hear of any?

Tarin Estvanko: 22:24

Are they alive or actually that friend passed away um last year? Yeah, last year.

Israel Caminero: 22:31

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 22:32

Um, I did I talked to that person periodically um through like texting and stuff. Um so the unfortunate truth as far as everything there goes. So I grew up in Pennsylvania. So um I met who is now my husband. Yeah, I met him in Pennsylvania.

Israel Caminero: 22:55

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 22:56

And um on a job that he was working at, he was building Walgreens, and I was working there, and he kept asking me on a date. So that is how that started. Um, the timing might have been a little off because he was actually going through a divorce and stuff that I didn't know at at the time until a little bit later and dating him and stuff. Um, so there was a lot that came with that too. Um and then I moved out. I moved out, I moved in with him. Um I and I kind of just was like, I'm done. I'm done with everything that has to do with everything here. And I would love to see like um some other some family members and things like that, and I would love to visit, and you know, but uh I'm I need to get out of here because this is an unhealthy environment for me at this point. And it was. And my mom and I had an um very strained relationship and unhealthy relationship. So because there was so much resentment and anger and blame and all these unhealthy feelings that I had towards her, um, it was always like combative. Yeah, it was always argumentative, it was always negative. Um, I love her, you know, and I loved her then, but it was very, very hard. It was an internal battle, um, and most likely a spiritual warfare that was going on that I was just unaware of at the time.

Israel Caminero: 24:23

Okay. So you met Bob and you were done. Bob is his name. I just name dropped him. Didn't know if you wanted me to do do that, but there it is. Yeah. And did you move over here to Cleveland or yeah?

Tarin Estvanko: 24:38

So I moved over here. Um, we moved to Westlake at the time. Um, we had an apartment. Um, I was not going to church.

Israel Caminero: 24:46

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 24:46

Um is that by choice or that was um kind of by well, I didn't know anybody out here. So that's the other thing. I knew nobody. I came out, I it was like it was just I moved out here for him. Okay. So um I also knew that it was wrong to live and be with someone outside of marriage. So a part of me was like, I can't go to church. I'm a hypocrite if I go to church. I can't do that. So I rationalized not going because uh you know what I mean? I used my behavior as an excuse not to go.

Israel Caminero: 25:18

Gotcha.

Tarin Estvanko: 25:18

Um, but the Lord was still chasing me. So of course um, you know, he wasn't done. Right. He wasn't done. Um, yeah, amen to that. So then um we had moved um, like through his divorce, it was finalized and everything. Um, we actually moved into the house that uh that he had with his ex-wife. Okay so that was a little awkward, but uh yeah. So um then we so we were living in Lakewood, and um then I just kept feeling convicted to go to church. Like something I saw this, I saw LNLC at the time. I was like, I just want to try out a church. I just want to try out a church, and I just you know, I just had this pool to like, I need something. I'm alone here. I know nobody, I need a friend, I need somebody. And um, I went to church and I loved it. I tried it out and I just I loved it. And I said, I, you know, at the time I was like, Will you go with me? Will you go with me? You know, I was kind of that leaky um leaky faucet, um, but I wasn't his wife. So I was like, you know, um, so then um eventually I just stopped. I was like, this isn't gonna work. I can't just ask him. And he started going and and all was good. And um, you know, for the most part, until I felt convicted to get married.

Israel Caminero: 26:44

Oh, it was that conviction again, right?

Tarin Estvanko: 26:47

The conviction came up again. Um now, mind you, uh, between the time of moving out here, it was I moved out here in 2007. So um it was a few years before I started attending church.

Israel Caminero: 27:00

Yeah.

Tarin Estvanko: 27:01

Like I used that excuse for a long time before I went. Um however, in that time, I also started online schooling and I got my um associates and went on to my bachelor's in psychology. And then um I attended grad school and and obtained my master's degree and got my license to be a counselor. So there were other things going on, but um God was not not part of it.

Israel Caminero: 27:28

Right. Well, God was part of it, yes, whether you want to believe it or not, yes, he was a part of it. I mean, you weren't going to church, that doesn't mean God wasn't a part of what he was doing in your life, yeah. And he was, because as all the trauma you endured, you did say at earlier that that's you wanted to be a voice for the voiceless, and this is what he was working on behind the scenes, whether you were attending church or not.

Tarin Estvanko: 27:54

Yes, that is true, that is true. So yeah, I just didn't know it at the time, you know. Right. Um, so yeah, so um we started attending church and I went up for prayer and actually at Lakewood Newland, yes, okay, and um someone who was actually in the podcast, um, he prayed for me and I was like, I just feel so guilty. And I was like explaining to him what was going on, and he said, Sister, and he looked at me and he goes, That's conviction. And I was like, Oh, what's the difference? You know, I didn't know. And then he explained that to me, and then um, you know, we prayed and everything, and he ministered to me. And um, Bob and I had a conversation, and we both like wanted to get married, but he wanted to um give me like a big wedding. He's like, I want to give you what you deserve, and I didn't care. I was like, I love you, I just want to be with you. Like, I moved out here to be with you. Let you know, let's just get married, and we did, and we went to um the uh uh judge's office for the streamers, so and you know, just our parents were there and his sister, and that was pretty much it, you know, and his daughter. So yeah.

Israel Caminero: 29:06

I mean, I get what you're saying. You know, sometimes big extravagant weddings are just a big party, honestly. You know, I mean it's a good thing, but all you need is where you went and God. Yeah, to witness that yeah, you guys are one now, and that's all you wanted the whole time was just to be right because of the conviction, like you said.

Tarin Estvanko: 29:25

Yeah.

Israel Caminero: 29:26

So what happened after that, after you guys got married, did you guys just become regulars? Did you backslide it all and stop going? Or how'd that work?

Tarin Estvanko: 29:36

Yeah, so um we became regulars and volunteered. I was actually in the children's ministry.

Israel Caminero: 29:41

I was just gonna say, I remember you being in the children's ministry when I was there.

Tarin Estvanko: 29:44

Yeah, and then um when we moved to church at church buildings, um, I became the leader. The baton was passed to me to become the leader of the nursery. Okay. Um so uh then later on, whenever I was pregnant with uh I want to say it was Ryan, who's my second son, youngest one. Um that's whenever we uh put our house in the market and then moved out, you know, out to Brunswick area. So um at that time, uh, you know, we decided to leave that church. Okay. Um for a couple of different reasons. One is like um, you know, there was an offense that took place in there, and and because of my forgiveness um, you know, of that person, it it was a little tough, I think, um, for my husband uh at the time, you know, like why, why is, you know, that's pretty messed up, you know. How could that be? And um, you know, and now he's understanding of it, you know. But back then he he was like, well, what in the world? You know, and even I was like, it's not for the person, it's for me. You know, forgiveness is never for the other person, it's for us, right? You know, um, so anyhow, that was a good time to transition. Yeah, to transition. And um, you know, God brought me to where we are now, which is Bethel. And um, I love it there. I mean, it's like it's it's just different. And um, I did research and I looked them up and I watched videos and stuff, and I started attending there, and then um he started attending there after some time. Um, and you know, actually that's where I learned about um, I went to what's called a freedom weekend, okay, where they walk you through this trauma and they and they actually um educate you on the open doors that you allowed for the enemy. So going back to that, I opened a lot of doors. I mean, it was drugs, it was promiscuity, there was um, you know, a lot of stuff, um, Ouija boards. There was a lot of stuff that I did not know that I opened doors for the enemy.

Israel Caminero: 32:06

You used to do Ouija boards?

Tarin Estvanko: 32:08

I did, yeah, I did a I had a friend in high school that was a witch.

Israel Caminero: 32:12

Oh, wow.

Tarin Estvanko: 32:12

And um, you know, after the, I don't know, third time we moved, if that's right. Um, the house that I was in whenever I was when I almost died, when I pretty much OD'd, right?

Israel Caminero: 32:26

Right.

Tarin Estvanko: 32:26

Um, uh she lived right around the corner. Like I could walk to her, I would walk to her house, she would walk to my house. So I was friends with this girl. So there was a lot, you know, she was so nice.

Israel Caminero: 32:37

And I was like, really?

Tarin Estvanko: 32:40

You know, like, hmm, you know, it made me, you know, I had some obviously obvious reservations of that relationship given from the time that she said that she was a witch. Right. I was like, what? Um, so there was a lot of open doors for the enemy to enter in.

Israel Caminero: 32:59

Exactly. And that's what he does. Yeah. Any open doors, they walk right in. Yeah. Could be a halfway, halfway open door, and and there they are. Or not they, the enemy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess he could bring his little army with him or whatever you call it, demons. Yeah. And things to that matter. Yeah. So you said you went to this uh freedom. Freedom weekend. Freedom weekend. And uh what happened there that you encounter something.

Tarin Estvanko: 33:30

Yeah, so man was that powerful. Okay, so um they walk you through, it's very counselor, like they walk you through some guided imagery of um the trauma. Like you go back to that trauma, the the place where it took place, you know, gotcha in in your mind, and and you're there. Only this time you're asking God where he was, and he's gonna show you. So the Lord showed me where he was at the time of trauma, at the time where it stopped and how it stopped, because it was not my strength, it was his strength. And he showed me that was not you as a child pulling this grown man off of you. That was me. Oh, by the way, you know, like he showed me um he was like this giant tower. It was he was giant. He was standing in um in the garage of the house, like where it happened, and showing me that he was protecting me. And I was like, Wow, he gave me the plans to catch the you know, to catch the person. And he gave me the wisdom, he gave me everything I needed. Right. I didn't know that. I mean, um, he told me, like, you know, go go to the basement. He's not that he's not gonna follow you there. It's not gonna go there, you know, because it was a seller. We would call it a seller, you know. Um so yeah, he gave me so many different things at that time. Actually, um let me just say forgiveness is such a huge part. Yeah. Um and this is this was a hard thing to forgive. And I thought I had forgiven this person when I was at LNLC. And it turns out at Freedom Weekend, I learned then that I actually didn't, I actually did not forgive him. Okay. Because um when we were walking through this stuff and we were going through all the trauma and all the open doors and all the um things that you could open up for um just generational curses and you learn all this stuff, and it's just like stuff that you don't learn about on a Sunday morning, right? You know, um anyhow, he you know the Lord told me that I needed to forgive. I need to forgive this person. I'm like, I thought I for I thought I forgave him. I was like, uh no, no, you didn't. That's why you're getting so upset right now. Oh, okay. And I I was um like no. I I told the Lord no, like in that moment. You disobeyed. I was I and I was like, I don't want to right now. I don't want to. I'm mad. Like it brought up a lot of stuff, and you know, I did. I ended up. Oh, you did end up? Yes, okay. Um, I was reluctant and I had to battle it out with God, actually. And and who am I to battle with God, right? But sometimes we gotta get on those um those soap boxes, so to speak, um, even with the Lord, you know, and and kind of hey, where are you going with this? What do we do? You know what I mean? Yeah. Um so anyhow, I was battling with him in that moment.

Israel Caminero: 36:42

How did how did you reach out to this person in person, the phone call? I mean, I'm sure they were unaware of, you know, not not to get into it deeply, just was it a phone call?

Tarin Estvanko: 36:55

I here's why, and here's how the Lord showed me that I didn't forgive. Because when I thought I forgave, I actually did call the person and I told them that I forgave them. And they kind of laughed and was like, huh, you know, God already forgave me for that, Taren.

Israel Caminero: 37:11

Oh, okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 37:12

And I was like, Well, you should ask for forgiveness when you know that you've done wrong to somebody.

Israel Caminero: 37:20

Yeah.

Tarin Estvanko: 37:21

Um, you you know that you've done wrong, you should also ask for forgiveness um from that person. It's you know what I mean? Amen. Um so, anyways, uh this time was different. This time, um, you know, I had called him and I I was visiting him actually. I I like I was I would visit whenever I would go back home and stuff. Um, and I was okay. Like I was all right, I was able to do that. Um but it wasn't until this person went to the hospital and the Lord's like, Hey, I need you to call him and pray for him, pray with him. And I was like, Are you sure? Like, whenever you question God, yeah, like, but he knows he knows I'm a nosy daughter, and that's okay. He knows who I am, he made me who I am. So he knows I'm nosy and he knows I'm gonna ask questions, and he knows sometimes I might put up a little bit of a fight when it comes to stuff. Um, but he knows that I need to, I need to work through it. That's how he prunes us, you know.

Israel Caminero: 38:28

Exactly.

Tarin Estvanko: 38:29

You're not gonna be refined in the fire of the Holy Spirit if you're not going through it. Um so I was reluctant, and he's like, remember, you know, forgiveness, you know, the little whisper. And um, I called and uh and I was my heart was pounding. I knew it was the Holy Spirit because he quickens, right? And um I prayed with this person over the phone, and it was like actually your wife. I talked to your wife afterwards, and and she is the one that was like, Taryn, you know, when you did that, it released something in you too. It it released it all. It was it was not just for him, it was for you.

Israel Caminero: 39:13

Right.

Tarin Estvanko: 39:14

So I was like, you know, a baby because I could be a baby with your wife, you know, like we were talking and stuff, and um you know, processing and everything. So it was it it was good, it was releasing. Um and just recently, uh actually last year, the person passed away, and I was at peace. I I mean, as bad as that could sound, I was I was a part of me was like, well, you know, that could be laid to rest. It's it's almost like okay, it's the the past is officially over, right?

Israel Caminero: 39:52

You know, how did the person receive it, being that they were the ones that were doing the wrong And for you to apologize to them, how did they receive it? I mean, that had to have been powerful too for them to hear you apologizing.

Tarin Estvanko: 40:10

Yeah. Um, I mean, it was accepted. I a part of me thinks it was more like uh a part of me thinks it was a little arrogant, to be honest.

Israel Caminero: 40:22

It was almost So it wasn't sincere?

Tarin Estvanko: 40:24

Like it was almost like, yeah, I know.

Israel Caminero: 40:26

Like I almost thought that they would be like, wow, you know, like here I am, this horrible person, and I have this person apologizing to me and make them feel even more horrible just out of conviction, you know.

Tarin Estvanko: 40:40

You know, I I I couldn't answer that. I don't know. They didn't express that to me actually. Um he thanked me for praying with him, and you know, I was like, Man, you're a powerful prayer warrior, you know.

Israel Caminero: 40:53

Yeah. Well that person never apologized to you for any of the actions.

Tarin Estvanko: 40:57

Um, no.

Israel Caminero: 40:58

No. Oh well.

Tarin Estvanko: 41:00

Um, it was more like I said, you know, uh, well, I apologize to to God, and you know what the Bible says, forgive and forget. And I'm like, yeah, don't say that to me. Because then I learned also it's okay to have boundaries when these things happen. Um, you know, it's not against God's will to set up a healthy boundary for those people who have hurt you, whether it's sexual, emotional, mental, or physical. You could put up a you could have a boundary. You're like, this is a boundary you're we're not gonna cross anymore, right? You know, and make it known. Um, like I didn't have to visit, I didn't have to do those things. Some some of that stuff was um guilted upon me to do.

Israel Caminero: 41:42

I mean, you said you were following God's word, so of course that's what you need to do, right?

Tarin Estvanko: 41:47

Yeah.

Israel Caminero: 41:47

I mean, that's that's what you said, or it might out of context here.

Tarin Estvanko: 41:52

No, yeah, yeah. So, like, um you mean with visiting and stuff like that?

Israel Caminero: 41:57

With just apologizing and everything on your behalf.

Tarin Estvanko: 42:00

Yes, yeah, that was all that was all God, that was all Holy Spirit prompting me to do those things.

Israel Caminero: 42:05

Okay, that's what I thought you had said.

Tarin Estvanko: 42:07

Um I was visiting though before that had taken place. So I was a little, I was a little like, why do I need to go visit this person? What I gotta, you know, you know, I was there was some pushback. Okay. Because the the the visitation was happening um prior to any of the calls, any of the forgiveness prior to Freedom Week and all that stuff.

Israel Caminero: 42:29

Oh, okay, okay, okay. Now sorry, little, little. No, no, no, you're fine. I I was just a little confused, but now you cleared that up. So that person is no longer here, right? Correct. Do you think they're in heaven? That's a tough question, right?

Tarin Estvanko: 42:47

I mean, I hope for them that they are.

Israel Caminero: 42:52

Right.

Tarin Estvanko: 42:52

You know. Um, another battle that I had faced with the Lord during all of this was like, sin is sin. What? Lord, what isn't there a like how could that be? You know, like how could one be equal to another? You know, I had a really hard time, and I really had to actually when I moved to Brunswick, when we moved to Brunswick, um, so we've been out, you know, out that way um for five and a half years. So that's when I grew even closer to the Lord and actually closer with your wife and with some other people. Um, actually through Marco Polo, we were all under like lockdown, like, you know, can't leave the house. And man, the Lord could just use any platform he wants to. I mean, and and it was amazing. And we would go back and forth, and we would get on our soapboxes, and we would get on the phone, and we would, you know, what do whatever um the Lord was prompting us to do. So it was like, you know.

Israel Caminero: 43:52

Yeah, I remember those days. All the Marco Polo's. And you're right, the Lord can use any platform because we were I was doing that with the guys, you know, with some of the guys from the church at that point in time, and it it opened up a lot because you couldn't see each other, you were locked down pretty much, and we were just confessing and talking, and it it was that's what I say about the shutdown, that there were no distractions. Yeah. That's all you could do is just pretty much praise the Lord throughout. You know, there was no dis no no distraction. It was it was bad because the world was shut down, but I think in my eyes, I don't I can't speak for everyone, it was good because it brought me a lot closer to the Lord because of all the distractions that were not there.

Tarin Estvanko: 44:44

Yeah, me too, me too. That was the closest I've ever been to the Lord. Yeah, as much as I like to say that I was close to the Lord when I attended LNLC or growing up, like I knew stuff, I had head knowledge, I had some heart knowledge, but a lot of that church stuff growing up, I was in a trauma state and and I was also functioning and like in flight mode. Yeah, I was either if I was not fighting you, if I was not like you know, not physically fighting, I mean that happened a couple of times, but like um however, if I was not, you know, like combative with you verbally or whatever, then I was like, get me out, I will do anything to get out. And church was an escape for me.

Israel Caminero: 45:27

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 45:28

As much as it was like healthy for me, and the Lord knew that it was healthy for me, right? And there was, and obviously the Holy Spirit was pulling me to that um too, and giving me that yearning for him and wanting to be in his house and go to these events and go to like you know what I mean? Like I was all in it and I loved every part of it, and I made friends and all that stuff, which were good for me, but it was also like this is my escape. This is my escape I you know, like from the prison that I'm in, you know. Um, but it wasn't until like COVID hit and we were doing the Marco Polo and stuff, and I'm just praying and praying and praying, praying for, you know, just ever my kids and like the changes and the world, because the world, like, if if we allow it, man, can it weigh you down? Yeah, all the sin in the world and everything just going on, and just like who are we to just carry around that burden? We just need to lay it down at the foot of the cross and just give it to the Lord because it's all in his hands anyway. Amen.

Israel Caminero: 46:30

You know, Amen. And and you just said that it was an escape for you from the world you were living in. Yeah. But you didn't know it, it was still planting seeds, yeah, regardless if you looked at it that way. You know, they weren't blooming or blossoming or being watered at the time, but yeah, those seeds, I've said it before on the podcast, and I'll say it again. Seeds are important. Yeah. Because someone might plant them and someone might water them, and then they sprout eventually and look at you now.

Tarin Estvanko: 47:02

Yeah, it's all for his glory. For his glory.

Israel Caminero: 47:05

Yeah. For his glory.

Tarin Estvanko: 47:06

You don't realize that when you're going through it, he's working behind the scenes. And I love to be the behind the scenes and see that stuff because I've seen it with my own life. I've seen it with my husband. And I'm just like cheering, I'm like, oh God, you know, like, and and just in other situations, it's it's wonderful to have that like little sneak peek, you know, what the Holy Spirit's doing. Um, and you know, when he brings you to your knees, that's you know, that's where he humbles you. And it's through those really horrible seasons, yeah. And just um where he shows you where he was at, like he did for me at Freedom Weekend. Or he shows you how he's been a constant throughout your entire life. And it's like, wow, you were there, right? You were carrying me, like to, you know, yeah, you know, and to know that you could just encounter him whenever you want to. Um, and that's what he wants. I mean, the father just wants us to humble ourselves and just put put our put our schedule down, yeah, you know, and just go to him. And it doesn't have to be in times of trouble. I mean, we should be praising him in times of good, bad, and uh, everything, you know. Um yeah.

Israel Caminero: 48:21

Yeah, that's that's so good. So, how are you guys doing today? How are you, Bob, and the kids doing and you know, your church and where are you at at this point in time in your life?

Tarin Estvanko: 48:32

Yeah, so um throughout this whole journey, like the Lord has put me, so I struggled with depression. As you know, I was a cutter. I I said that, and and drugs were part of my life, and other stuff was you know, part of my life, and um and I had anxiety. I had a lot of social anxiety, I'm sorry, public speaking anxiety.

Israel Caminero: 48:54

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 48:55

Here I am. I'm talking on a podcast. I mean, this I don't know how many people listen to this, you know, it could be thousands, it could be hundreds, yeah. I don't know. You know, um, I he put me in positions when I was a, you know, when I was a practicing counselor, right now I am not, okay. Um, but I do have my license. Uh but he put me in positions of teaching trauma groups at work, um, women's trauma groups where I worked at at one point, um, as well as children, as well as girls' trauma groups. And it was beautiful. It was a beautiful thing. So um he's definitely used every part of my trauma for his good and glory, so which is amazing. I love it. I love him. Um, so now it's just I I submit myself to him by giving time to the church. So, and and I love it, and my husband supports it, and and the Lord has opened doors um for things such as like I'm doing singing lessons, which is also out of my, I mean, if you know, well, now you know that I struggled with social, you know, speaking and stuff. I strategically in grad school would place myself in the front of the room um in case I had a question, because naturally people turn around and look at you when you're talking.

Israel Caminero: 50:13

Yeah.

Tarin Estvanko: 50:13

So I sat front row every single class.

Israel Caminero: 50:16

Okay.

Tarin Estvanko: 50:17

For that reason. I was very like, I played, I paid attention, you know. So um to put me in these positions where I'm speaking or where I'm teaching, um, and now singing in front of somebody, you know, even though it's just um singing lessons, the Lord prompted me to get ready for that. So um, I don't know what he's doing with it. I don't know where it's going. It was really just a leap of faith. Okay, Lord, you you want me to, you know, he to actually told me to to start working out more because I would need that um that core to for the singing lessons. And lo and behold, you do, because it's the engine of of your voice. So it there's just so many things that he's been doing, and and now I'm um playing a bigger role in our children's ministry. So um with scheduling and things of that nature. Um so I'm serving in that capacity, and uh, yeah.

Israel Caminero: 51:11

So the Lord's using you in many ways. Yeah. More more ways than one.

Tarin Estvanko: 51:16

Yeah.

Israel Caminero: 51:16

And eventually you're gonna be up there singing.

Tarin Estvanko: 51:18

Yeah. Who knows? Who knows what he's gonna do with it. I mean, he knows. I I don't know, but I know that he does. So I I find rest in that, and yeah, it'll be good.

Israel Caminero: 51:30

That's so good. That's so good, and I I thank you for just sharing your your story with everyone that's gonna be listening to this podcast. It's I just I just love how God works in people's lives, you know. From you went from all that trauma to where you're at now. And like I said at the beginning of this podcast, I would tell my wife, Taryn looks like she, you know, like she's never had a problem in her life. She's always happy and giggly. And here you go. Here's her story. So you can't judge a book by their cover, no matter what happens. Um, so but before we close, Taryn, I always have a few questions that I ask my guests. And I want to start with the first question being what's your verse, your Bible verse that you always go to, or your favorite when you have trouble, or just you know, just your favorite verse in the Bible that you go to. I know there's probably many, like I tell everyone, but I just want to know what your favorite one is out of all the books in there.

Tarin Estvanko: 52:35

Wow. Yeah, that there are there are quite a few. Um man, I will never leave you nor forsake you. That's that's always been it, you know, because I felt like I felt I was left, I felt I was forsaken, not just by God, but by people in my life. So that's a big one for me. Um you know, he leaves the 99 for the one. And and and I was that one, you know. So um thank you, Lord, for that. And then um, I was reminded actually today, I wrote it down, um, Psalm 50, verse 15. Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory. And like, come on, come on, God, like show off. Yeah, because this is for you, you know.

Israel Caminero: 53:25

Amen. Those are so good, and they reflect your story. Yeah, both of them. The second one does too.

Tarin Estvanko: 53:32

Yeah, and he's really just the defender of my heart, you know. I'm I actually I make t-shirts sometimes, you know, most mostly for for people I know, you know, and once in a while I'll sell some. Um, but uh one of them I have is Yahweh, he's the defender of my heart, you know, like he's protected me through everything. Um, whether I realized it then, I do now.

Israel Caminero: 53:54

Right. He works behind the scenes. He was working the whole time, you know. It just yeah, sometimes we don't see him working. That's right. Now I'm going to back in time section. And my question is if Taryn can go back in time and talk to younger Taryn and let her know everything that she knows now. What would you say to younger Taryn, even though younger Taryn was rebellious and stuff back then and wouldn't listen? What kind of seed would you plant on her head?

Tarin Estvanko: 54:27

Wow, that's a good question. Um it is a tough question. Because I would tell younger Terran a lot. I would have I have some words for younger Terran, you know, like um even though you feel alone, you're not alone, you know. Um, look at yourself like the temple of God because your body is a temple. And I didn't I didn't really Younger Terran didn't know that. Younger Terren didn't care about her body. I was cutting my body, I was destroying my body from the inside out.

Israel Caminero: 55:06

Um in more ways than one. Yes.

Tarin Estvanko: 55:09

You know, alcohol, drugs, lots of things, mutilated ways, for sure. Um yeah. I I mean I would tell younger Terren to rely on God's word, get it in your heart. You know? Um I also remember being younger and uh I had an encounter with the Lord after my dad passed away. And it was um sometime after the funeral. Um, like I think it was you know, that day we were in the car and we were driving, and I and I was sitting in the middle and I was looking up and I was waving at the sky. And my mom was like, What are you waving at? And I was like, Daddy's in the clouds waving to me. And it was like, whoa, you know, talk about use being used as a vessel when you're a kid and having that childlike faith and and God using that to speak to those around you. That was one of those times. So I always kind of knew, knew God had me. But uh telling younger Taryn, as older Taryn, hey, God really does have you. Right. He has you in the palm of his hand, amen. Just let it, let it happen.

Israel Caminero: 56:23

Let it flow.

Tarin Estvanko: 56:24

Another thing I would say to younger Taryn would be you know, love might seem difficult at times, but the Lord will show you what it really means. And for me, older Taryn, you know, the Lord is love, but I had a very warped perception of what that was because of the trauma.

Israel Caminero: 56:49

Right.

Tarin Estvanko: 56:50

Um, and he used my husband in such a profound way to show me what love looks like on this side of heaven. And for that, I'm just forever grateful for because even though the timing was off due to um his circumstances that, you know, and going through a divorce and things like that, he even took that situation and did his thing and molded it into something great to show even him. He has his own story, and I'll let him share that one day. But um, you know, it's the same thing. I know that the same thing holds true for him. He had a different perception of what love was too, and the Lord just used that. So I just thank him and I would tell younger Taryn, you know, keep your chin up. You know, love is everything.

Israel Caminero: 57:37

Amen. Amen. Whether younger Taryn would have listened, nobody knows. But it's just a question that I like asking at the end of the podcast just to see what people would say. Um, but I appreciate you being here, Taryn. Your story is incredible, and uh I I hope it touches someone because that's what the point of this podcast is, is that there's people out there that are actually right now going through the same things that you just spoke about. And who knows if they'll listen or not? You know, it's not about that. It's someone might listen and share it with them. But that's what it's about, it's just how God orchestrated all this and not the bad things, obviously, but how God orchestrated the good things in your life to come out of the trauma and things like that. So I just want to thank you for being here, sharing your story, and taking the courage to do so. Like I said, I hope it touches the listeners. And before we close, do you mind saying a prayer? Sure. Closing us out in prayer.

Tarin Estvanko: 58:42

Yeah. And I it's a pleasure being here too. Um so yeah, thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord, that you just you take our disgusting mess and you turn it into something beautiful. From the ashes into beauty. We just praise you. We praise you for the love that you have for your people, for your children. And we just thank you that you are chasing people down even now as they listen. Um, we thank you for this podcast, Lord. We know that this is this is your doing. So we know that it's going to plant seeds or water seeds, and that is the kingdom fruit right there. So we just want to give you all the glory and honor and praise for being here and being able to share um the testimony. I know that you've prepared me and prepared others to share our testimony. Um, you spoke to me personally, and I know you're doing that for somebody even now as they're listening. Uh so we just thank you for that. We thank you for what is to come. In Jesus' mighty name.

Israel Caminero: 59:50

Amen. Amen. Thank you for that. And thank you again for being here. And uh for everyone listening that that might have a time. Testimony they want to share, but are skeptical to share. Remember, it's not about you. It's about how God worked in your life to change those bad times into good times. So if you ever want to reach out to me and leave a testimony, you can reach me at living testimonies at hotmail.com. Leave an email. I will get back to you. And hopefully you have the courage to step up and share your testimony for someone to hear. You can hear this podcast in every major podcast outlet available. I won't name them because there's too many to name. But I just want to say again thanks, all glory to God, for providing this platform for someone to listen to. And for all my listeners that are out there, thanks for the support. And may God bless you.